Saturday, March 19, 2011

HILLBILLY RESCUE

Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South!



Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress.. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?'


      The woman shakes her head no.

      Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
 
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
   His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'


Wednesday, March 16, 2011

GET A HUSBAND

 
INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support
,

Last year I upgraded from
Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition,
Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
·
       Romance 9.5 and
·
       Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as
·
       NBA 5.0,
·
       NFL 3.0  and
·
       Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0
no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2..< B>6 simply crashes the system.

·
      Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these probl ems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,


Desperate.



DEAR DESPERATE
,

First, keep in mind,
·
       Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
·
       Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command:
ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
·
       If that application works as designed, Husband  should then automatically run the applicationsJewelry   2.0 andFlowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause
Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
·
       Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring20Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do,
DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the
Boyfriend 5.0 program.  These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary,
Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
·
       Cooking 3.0 and
·
       Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck Babe!


Tech Support



Thursday, March 3, 2011

HUGE AIR DISASTER


Amazing photos show great detail.
The pilot at low level 
had no control over his 
aircraft. It narrowly 
misses a crowd  
gathered for the air show and slams 
into four buildings. One can only 
imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.



HEY, I WAS USING ONE OF THOSE!!!!!!