Phantom Pee Book

I read a book once.  It was a Comic Book. 
I finished it though!

I had a dream that I peed my pants.  I woke up and my pants were all wet.  That goes to show you that "Dreams do come true!"

I learned something from seeing "The Phantom of the Opera".   If a guy has half a face you kinda leave him alone!

Meat Jeff Foxworthy

You know ladies, I'm more than a piece of meat!

I'm a piece of meat with some FEELINGS!

A Guy yelled at me and told me to

 "GO TO HELL"

I told him I Can't!

They have GLUTEN there!

I went to a terrible library the other day.

All they had in The Philosophy section were

Jeff Foxworthy Books.

Dollar hole Trump Orgy

I went to The Dollar Store and their cash registers were broken.  I said, "Well, maybe don't buy your cash registers at THE DOLLAR STORE!"

A young person asked me for advice on getting a new job.  I told them, "The best advice I can give you is you better ask someone else for advise!"

What does a Black Hole have in common with Donald Trump?  They both suck!

Where has my time gone?  Asked the man who lost his watch in an Orgy!

If you buy a bad Underwear Company, when it goes out of business, does that mean it went into ARREARS?

Rectal Aliens

I went to an Opthamologist and had a Rectal Exam on the same day,  I now know I have 20/20 Hindsight! 

I was abducted by female aliens.  They call it OUTERCOURSE!

I'm old.  I threw my Back Out while I was throwing my Shoulder Out!

Retouch Sissy Donor

CVS Pharmacy is banning any advertisements where Models 

are Retouched.  I was kicked off of the Subway once when I 

Re Touched myself!

It's odd Today.....  you can't call someone  A SISSY.

My Mother's name was SISSY!  

Then there's Sissy Spacek and

Sissy on " A Family Affair"

I love my wife for three reasons

Her mind, Her Heart and

Her Body.  

The Best Part.....She and I are the same blood type and I can 

Harvest an Organ if I need a Transplant!

POOP DOG Haircut Jokes

FIVE JOKES 1

There was a woman having sex with all of the golfers at the club.  
They call her the 19TH HOLE.

I moved in with a beautiful girl.  I had to leave  
though when she found out I was living there!

I saw this thing called a BABY MONITOR.
Why do we have to monitor babies?  Are they stealing stuff or something?  We can't trust them?

I saw a woman at the bar when I was sober that I would not touch with a ten foot pole.  
I had a couple drinks and started touching her with a TEN FOOT POLE!

The people at Starbuck's never remember my name!  
And I've been working there for 
9 YEARS!