Christmas Joke

Why do Santa's helpers feel depressed at Christmas?

Low


Elf


Esteem!

WAR HORSE OMG

I heard about this play and movie called "Warhorse"!
I remember I had something like that when I was in the Army.

Oh, I'm sorry...

Those were War Whores... Women who took money for sex when I was overseas.  One was called WHINNIE!

I rode some of them Horseback...If you know what I mean.

I drew the line when they pulled out THE WHIP!

It was like they thought I was OUT TO STUD!

Cruise Ship Joke

DEAR DIARY - DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets.  Really, really exciting.
Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers decided on this "all-girls" trip.
It will be my first one, - and I can't wait!

----------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 2

Entire day at sea, beautiful.  Saw whales and dolphins.  Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.

----------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 3

At the pool today.  Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner.  Felt honored and had a wonderful time.  He is very attractive and attentive.
---------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
 Won $800.00 in the ship's casino.  Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne.  He asked me to stay the night, but I declined.  Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

----------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 5

Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day.  Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.
Really is quite charming.  Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night.  Again I declined.  He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship...  I was shocked.

----------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 6

Today I saved 2600 lives.
 Twice.

OUT LATE JOKE

A Police STOP at 2 AM An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."

MOM AIRFORCE HUMOR

The Woman Marine Pilot The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share?" 'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.  She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands." ''Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?" "Don't f**k with Mommy when she's been drinking." I love these touching stories!

Michelle Bachman is having a bad time.

GOD hasn't CALLED her in a WEEK!

The Economy is so bad

Men are having Vasectomies at SUPER CUTS!

And finally

Californians have come up with a way to save the POST OFFICE.

Legalize Marijuana and have the Post Office deliver it......

And they could also pick up a PIZZA on the way!

KICK BOXING

I saw a sign that said

FREE KICK BOXING CLASS

What's with KICK BOXING

Is this for people who just don't want to  KICK YOU

and they don't just want to box you

They want to KICK and BOX you!

Maybe there is a little bit of a mean streak in them.

I want to take a free

POKE JAB and TONGUE LASHING class

It's a class for people who are not satisfied just to POKE you

And not just satisfied to JAB you

But also must give you a good TONGUE LASHING

A Good Poke Jab Tongue Lashing Class

OR

HOW ABOUT A GOOD

BULLYING HAIRMESSING CLASS

For people who do not just want to BULLY someone

And not just MESS up their HAIR

EASTCOAST QUAKE

FIRST THING EVERYONE THOUGHT WAS

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie

 

WAS DOING JUMPING JACKS!

GOLDEN YEARS

The only thing GOLDEN about your

GOLDEN YEARS

IS YOUR

URINE !!!!!!!!!

WORLD CUP HEAT

HOW HOT IS IT IN THE UNITED STATES?

IT'S HOTTER THAN THE UNITED STATES WOMEN'S SOCCER TEAM IN A LESBIAN BAR!!!

IT'S HOTTER THAN CASEY ANTHONY GETTING OUT OF A PRISON JUMPSUIT.

IT'S HOTTER THAN RUPERT MURDOCH'S PHONE TAP ON ANTHONY WEINER'S PHONE.

IT'S SOO HOT TEARS WERE NOT COMING OUT OF JOHN BOEHMER'S EYES...... IT WAS SWEAT!

BIG DOG LIQUOR STORE

WATCH THIS DOG

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JhTkVMlCGqs

NUN IN HOOTERS

> >> A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
> >>
> >> The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once
> >> in a while 'the lights would turn off.'
> >>
> >> Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
> >>
> >> However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
> >>
> >> She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the 
> >> restroom?
> >>
> >> The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a
> >> statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'
> >>
> >> 'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.
> >>
> >> So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
> >>
> >> After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped
> >> just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause !
> >>
> >> She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did
> >> they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'
> >>
> >> 'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender,
> >> 'Would you like a drink? It's on the house.'
> >>
> >> 'No, thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.
> >>
> >> 'Well, sister,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the
> >> fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
> >>
> >> Now, how about that drink?'

SUNDAY JOKE

For those of you who missed church on Sunday, here is a recap!

Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead 

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead


Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

 
 
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. 

So the Minister asked the congregation - 

What did you learn from this demonstration??? 

Maxine, sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

 
That pretty much ended the service.

I LOVE THE HAIR BABE!!!

WITNESS JOKE

There was a knock on the door this morning. I opened it to find
a young man standing there who said: "I'm a Jehovah's Witness."

I said "Come in and sit down, what do you want to talk about?"

He said, "Beats the heck out of me, I've never gotten this far before."

FIRE PRESSURE

Hey,

PSYCHOLOGICAL QUESTION

If only YOU can prevent forest fires.................

Doesn't that put

A lot of pressure on  ONE PERSON?

OBAMA BOOTY

CHECK OUT THIS BARACK & MICHELLE VIDEO

http://youtu.be/mh-mDhPMjB8

Religious Visitor

There was a knock on the door this morning. I opened it to find
a young man standing there who said: "I'm a Jehovah's Witness."

I said "Come in and sit down, what do you want to talk about?"

He said, "Beats the heck out of me, I've never gotten this far before!"

MARRIAGE SEXY MANIA AND A NUN

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.
'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.
'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.
'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.
'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.
'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.
She whispers in his ear
'That's me before the surgery.' ...

 

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.   *****************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. 
 
*************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's lic ense. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters 
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.' 
****************************** 

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.
****** **************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.' 
  

GUY GETS LADY GAGA ATTACK!

IT'S A GAGA ATTACK
KILLER version of "TELEPHONE" interrupted...

Watch the video
http://youtu.be/oZzuWKfPPhU

HILLBILLY RESCUE

Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South!

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress.. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?'


      The woman shakes her head no.

      Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
 
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
   His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

GET A HUSBAND

 

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
·        Romance 9.5 and
·        Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as
·        NBA 5.0,
·        NFL 3.0  and
·        Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2..< B>6 simply crashes the system.

·       Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these probl ems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate.


DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind,
·        Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
·        Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
·        If that application works as designed, Husband  should then automatically run the applicationsJewelry   2.0 andFlowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
·        Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring20Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.  These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
·        Cooking 3.0 and
·        Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck Babe!

Tech Support

HUGE AIR DISASTER

Amazing photos show great detail.
The pilot at low level 
had no control over his 
aircraft. It narrowly 
misses a crowd  
gathered for the air show and slams 
into four buildings. One can only 
imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.

HEY, I WAS USING ONE OF THOSE!!!!!!

MARRIAGE

GAS PRICES OMG

I just paid OMG for regular yesterday to fill my tank - were past the lol

OLD FOLKS

CHECK OUT THE OLD FOLKS


http://mail.aol.com/33298-111/aol-1/en-us/mail/get-attachment.aspx?uid=1.29115781&folder=NewMail&partId=4&saveAs=AhLes_papys!!.wmv